what hurts.

thank you sprinkles! (:
true enough, the lord really is the high priest.
don't i always get cupcakes for my birthdays?
some say it's some meaningless tradition,
i say, it's love.
cus all these bakers just know how much i love cupcakes!

there you go! (: (i mean, 'i')

and they always put some candles for me to make my wishes

except, i didn't have a wish right then, just the same old thing

every year; for the Lord to grow in me, and for me to love him

more than i ever did before, and to be preserved.

that's the #1 wish that i will always declare.

then the silent wish, #2, which is usually sth that's been in my heart for quite some time. and #3 is another 'say-out-loud' wish, where i wish random stuffs like .. mastering the guitar. LOL. which never happen. i have been wishing that since when im 18!

anyways. so this is the plan:

date: july 31st, 2008

place: los angeles

11:55 personal time

00:00 personal time

00:-- phone call

--:-- dream land

08:00 morning revival with roomie

09:00 meet with director of internship

10:00 breakfast with blueberry (notice that i don't use 'yj' anymore, cus, there's no more yj.)

12:00 work

05:30 walk home!

06:30 dinner with sprinkles

--:--

i feel weird. honestly.

actually i planned to sleep early so i have energy for tomorrow.

but i recieved a call from a friend in vancouver and we talked for about 30-40 mins?

it was really nice of him to call, really. haha.

i appreciate how at 00:00, i start recieving messages from all over. hahar.

and my dear cousin texted too! i was texting her back and my friend called.

so anws. back to feeling weird.

is it because, i'm technically 20 already?

hahar. or is it because of sth he said!!

yea. it probably was about sth somebody, said. hahar.

is it really a flaw? being talkative?

we were talking about me being 'desperate' to get married, and he said maybe cus i talk too much. (-.-')

yea.

haha.

it's hilarious right? hahar. i mean, just, how this person(whom im technically not close to) thinks im too talkative; when the fact is, i didn't even tell him that much. (in my own measure, that was nothing.) and of course, he noticed the times when im sad, and would ask me what's wrong. so of course, when someone ask you what's wrong, isn't it a natural reaction to tell/confide the person? (assuming that there's trust in your friendship) or is it.. when someone ask "what's wrong", it's only .. lip service?

i'm getting so confused over humanity.

lord, is this really why im not liked by anybody?

seriously friends, is this why? do you think i really shouldn't talk too much?

i mean, i'm so different around guys. it's like, sometimes i just don't know what to say, and i fear that the conversation will get awkward and i start to babble and talk/spout nonsense, or even say incomplete sentences/phrases or make noises or whatsoever, just to get the ball rolling.

i don't know.

i feel so down.

i know, "cindy's emo again", you say to yourself.

but no, i'm not emo right now.. im just, reflecting.

anyways. i'm too lazy to explain myself.

i feel like many times, ive been misunderstood, and have been wronged.

o lord jesus.

will there be just that one brother who simply adores my endless chatter?

is it really that impossible?

how come many gave me the feeling that NO ONE PERSON can stand your chatterbox-ness.

i just cannot express what i want to express,

and ended up in chains of meaningless words to them.

i feel so.. useless, you know.

it's like..

"Cindy, I can't stand it anymore. I need you to stop talking."

"Cindy, you don't have to tell me everything you know."

"Cindy, that's enough."

isn't it.. hurting?

--- just gotta keep walking ---

thank you cookie jar #2 for your text msg (;
and thank you vanilla and ice for calling!
and my dear cousin, too!

seriously dudes.
my life is falling apart.
it's the time where the lord says to me, ".. the precious proving of the faith."

OH MAN.
i really cannot take anymore of any thing.
i can't even explain all these situations one by one.
things that befall on me, that will scar me the rest of my life.
things that befall on my dad, and my mum, and everyone around me..
especially my dad.
if you have a room for him in your prayers, please mention my dad to the Lord in your prayers, okay? (:
(love you, thanks)

i also hope that things will eventually get better, and that my 2 years consecrated for the FTT will not be rough years for my dad.
i really need to go to grad school ASAP to be a speech pathologist.
i just need to have that, asap!
so that my dad won't have to be burdened over so many things..

sigh!

oh lord!

i know the dawn will come.

ALSO. i have work on my birthday.
all the choices have no use to me now.
SO SAD RIGHT!
but maybe you'll say "it's just a birthday"
yea..
it's just a birthday.

the veil

two hours of tears.

and then she refilled it with 16oz of milk.

today she experienced God's governmental dealing.
.. and it was, honestly, awfully painful.
nope, it's not about guys.
and nope, it's not about the saints.
but yes, it is about the self within me.
"the little satan", my mum said.
yea. and the result of that, is judgement, and punishment follows.
it's tough.
i was speechless.
and so ashamed.
so ashamed of myself.
i am so ashamed, i couldn't look at anyone in the eye.
but in moments like these, ..
we just praise the lord.
and the devil is shamed.
the devil is defeated at that instant you praise.
Oh lord, PRAISE YOU LORD!

it's funny how i'm in this situation where it's going to scar me forever.
i will never forget.

how ashamed i was.
Forgive me, Lord.

1) birthday cake 2) internship 3) sweetdreams

i want a birthday cake!

i've been working crazy hours recently.
having shifts as early as 730am, and till closing at 530pm.
in addition to my busy work schedule, i have school, which means.. project, and presentation, and papers and more papers.
so overwhelming. (;

right now i'm waiting for the blueberry muffin i baked in the oven, and it's for my dear thursday small group.

i'm SO tired, really. hahar.

anws.

-----------------------------------------------------------------internship----------------

yes, working in a credible childcare is really SUCH an experience (:
it's not just any childcare.
it's Quality childcare.
every word we say, every thing we do, every little detail, from the material of the door, to every word that comes out of our mouth. like, seriously.
the way we hold them,
they way we respond to them,
the way we are persistent to them,
the words we say to them,
the food we give them,
and HOW we give the food to them,.. etc!

for example, we don't say "No."
(even though it's THAT easy to pop that word the first thing from your mouth with a child)

because, then,
1) what are they supposed to do?
in a child's mind:" er.. ok, you just told me, no, and...so what am i going to do? and.. what?why?"

2) they have no options, and they can't freely explore because you just limit them.
instead, say "Oh, xxx, i see that you are eating your shoe. Shoes are not to be eaten, xxx. And look! (pointing them the dirt) it is dirty. You don't want to eat all these dirt, do you?"

take a minute. isn't our instant reaction, just "No xxxx, don't eat the shoe!"

and that is only part of it. there are many things that can happen with children that we can possibly say 'No' a thousand times a day.

another example would be when a child is hitting another child.
(dude, they can even pinch xD lol. and he's about 18 months)

natural reaction: No xxx! Don't pinch xxx.

wht-i-was-taught: "xxx, please stop. you have just made yyy so upset by pinching him/her."
"and yyy, you can tell xxx "stop". (this is to build social skills among children)
and remember, you can move your body."

there are seriously so much more.
even the matter of saying "good boy/girl, you're so cute..etc" , we do not say all those.
cus we do not want them to grow up doing things according to 'praises'- it's good/bad.
even when they draw a certain picture, we don't go around saying "wow, xxx, that is such a nice picture!"

what about the other kids? other kids will think that only a drawing like xxx is Good, and will not appreciate their own, because their works are not praised.
Also, you just labeled one kid's drawing to be nice, and he/she , in the future, will only regard his/her work as good, IF someone says its good. we don't want that.
instead, we encourage them to Describe, and TALK about what they draw/make/create.

"xxx, what is this? can you tell me more about it?"
or
"xxx, i see you draw a house and a tree. what other things do you have in mind?"

anws. there are so much more.
1) diaper time
2) meals - breakfast, lunch, snack
3) group time
4) outdoor free play
5) nap time

dude. even when changing their diapers, we talk them through every step with them.
cus remember: children are NOT toys, they are human beings, ought to get the respect they need. we caregivers respect them by talking them through what we're doing to them, to their body(changing diapers).
eg. xxx, would you like to help me open your diaper? (flap open)
i'm going to put this fresh new diaper on you, so you need to help me by lifting your legs UP HIGH. ready? blah blah blah*

*of course, we don't have to talk through to be so detailed at EVERY toiletting time.
i mean, in general, we tell them what we're doing to them, and involve them as much as we can (:

things like that.

aww man (:
i really love what i'm doing.
especially when you just know, like as if you're so ready to be a mother yourself.
that was how i felt though.. Wanting, and feeling like it is.. Time. (to be a mum, haha)

------------------------------------------------------------------ sweet dreams-----------
yea. dude. before i can even BE a mum, i have to have a husaband, right?
dang.
and before i can have a husaband, i have to have a fiance, right?
dang.
and before i can have my fiance, i have to have a boyfriend, right?
dang.
and before i can have a boyfriend, i HAVE to HAVE gone through 2yrs of FTTA, RIGHT?
dang!

hahar.
and before 2yrs of FTTA, i have to.. graduate UCLA right?

)'=

and.. it's about a year from now.
i really cannot wait.
cannot wait~! (:

there's just SO MANY SO MANY things i want to do, but am not able to when i'm still.. a 'senior' in college.
oh wells!

see, i even thought how i should fit in 'Taiwan/Korea' in my life, man..

2008 Senior Year
2009 FTTA
2010 FTTA
2011 Graduate School (M.S) /will i be married? this time?
2012 Graduate School (M.S) /lord, how much longer?
2013 Graduate School (M.S)/ Start working? (for real)
2014 Work-Marriage-Churchlife
.
.
.
sometime later, Children! (:

but then, WHEN can i go korea/taiwan to teach English?
and i really don't mind going to Europe or whatsoever the Lord's move at, AS LONG AS I'M MARRIED. period.

haha!

sweet dreams last forever.

my coming birthday

Yes, that's Right. those are really pathetic options. hahar. But i really only have those as choices!
So apparently, there are no one else here except Sprinkles to celebrate my birthday with. Of course, there's also yj. But do you think he will even remember? LOL. =P don't even hope on it. DON'T.
and it's perfectly fine, cus i really want to be happy on a 'New Day' (: and not dwell on unnescessary thoughts. Plus, i know from experience that hanging out with Sprinkles is never a bad choice! hahar. So I'll allow myself to spend my whole day with her.

BUT.

but, )'= what can 2 girls do on a birthday?
especially when i'm driving )'=
for once i really hope i'm the passenger, and i don't have to worry about directions, or traffic, or parking. but i guess i'm not spared on my birthday either! hahar.
well, thus, and hence why my first choice was 'Six Flags', cus I don't want to spend the day driving from point A to point B. and then to point C, and back again to A. I want minimal driving, and hence, why an Amusement Park is a great idea cus it'll take the whole day!

problem solved?

not completely.

see, the problem is that Sprinkles has her final on that day, till 12 50pm.
I mean, say we take off then, and reach 'Six Flags' at 2? Then we probably only have about 6-7 hours to ride on all the rides? Is that enough time? hrm. Oh wells. But is there another choice?
hahar. Seems like this is it eh?

ANYWAYS. my dream 20th birthday, is obviously sth that has to do with the Lord. because if you haven't known, I really love my Lord, and there's nth else that can satisfy, but the Lord himself. So then you would probably mumble to yourself "then why isn't Cindy planning on spending time with the saints?"
the answer to that is just, "there are no saints, here."
in short, it's summer, everybody's gone, and those who are here, aren't close enough to me to the extend that they are willing to spend the whole day with me.
does that make sense? (; cus you know, really. you want to feel entertained, and not being in a position where you're thinking "what should i say next" to the person you're with.
i just want to rest. yes, Rest.
So back to my DREAM birthday (:

starting from personal time at 00:00 (will be accomplished)
and then, waking up early in the morning and do morning revival (will be accomplished)
then have a nice breakfast (x)
the whole day's activity is planned by others (x)
one of which we go to a park/beach and sing hymns, pray and hang out! (x)
(and one of them is gd with guitars that he/she plays it)
they planned dinner; whether it's their own cooking or we go to a nice restaurant.

and that's it!

just for a day; i don't want to be the lead.


(=

hee. but you know, it's really okay.
i really felt that way.
cus i know the Lord in me will take that lead on my birthday.
but hey. if you have any suggestions on what i should do, please email me kay!
I LOVE YOU! (:

what happened?

the lord took away mango; before i could even BE in a relationship,
before i could even tell him i like him, too.

the lord took away jackfruit; and that was a great loss of a listening ear.

the lord took away starfish; and now i have one less friend to hang out.
one less person to talk crap with, and to feel comforted.

now my lord, also took away yj. even as a company, he no longer exist.

I, hereby DECLARE that I no longer have any GUYS in my life no more.
not that i'm being oh-so-needy; but it's undeniable that one/two guys in your life is a neccessity.
don't you think? i mean. it's just weird being in a world full of girls?
i don't want you to get me wrong. but.. i hope you know what i mean. and understand where i'm coming from. i don't know. this feeling stems from a lot of things. especially if you know my life in LA. it's like. i'm a strong grown up girl, who knows exactly what i want and do the things i want to do, and i can be pretty dominant, you know? (;
and so, hanging out with my girlfriends is really fantastic! but,.. yes, there is a 'but'. BUT, most times, or actually maybe, all the time, i am the one driving, the one planning, the one filling the dominant role.
don't get me wrong.
I LOVE YOU!
i really do.
but if you understand where i'm coming from, for just a teeny weeny moment now,
you will understand my.. (not 'pain', nor is it 'sorrow'..) you will understand my.. reasons for feeling this way i do.

that is why i really wanted to have a boyfriend so badly.
and this is really why.
cus i just want to be taken care of for once.
i've been single and independent for TOO long! hahar.
i need a shoulder to lean on.
i need an arm to hold on.
i need a soul to rest on.
and the list goes on.

you know all these.. you do, right? haha (:

and so, i consecrated myself to the lord, for this very matter, ESPECIALLY. cus.. i just.. cannot.
like right now for example. its summer. and i'm usually busy with work/school/training, and now, it's a really boring mundane friday, and besides my morning with phoebe, (we went out to shop for a little bit), NOW it's SO.. empty!
cus sprinkles, the girl i hang out like 24/7, is out with her friend who came down from the bay this weekend and NEXT WEEKEND she'll be with her boyfriend all week.

now, do you feel for me?

so lonely )'=

haha. really dude. OH LORD JESUS! I NEED YOU RIGHT NOW.

so anws. most sisters are not here. and my other girlfriends are gone, too.. and yea.
even chelsia (a singapore sister-exchange student to UCLA) is gone with her friends to San Diego.
im happy for her though; but LOOK AT ME NOW, what has become of my life?
it used to be so colourful.
what happened?

God, is what happened.

yea. so my point of this entry is that..
God, is what happened.

and plus, i consecrated myself to the lord, again, cus i really admire this one brother, a lot.
but, i knew, and i felt really inadequate for him, cus he's just.. such a pattern, such a model.
i mean, this is as far as i know of him (:
oh wells.
and then, i told the lord "Lord, how about starfish? how can i tell him that i dont want to randomly eat dinner/drink boba with him anymore? how should i start rejecting all these 'lets-go-out-leh' and blah blah blah?"

then ta-da. the lord made it so much easier for me cus now he likes my friend.
it's like..

God, is what happened.
i just knew.

and then last person. yet, the MOST important person, cus we had quite a bit of history there. lol. YongJae.
"Lord, how can i EVER reject Yj's offer? HOW? my flesh is TOO weak to reject his
'eh, lets go shopping', or
'want to eat dinner?"

but again,
God, is what happened.
cus even yesterday, when he asked me for dinner, i ALRDY had plans with a sister.
then this afternoon when he called me twice and texted me cus he wanted to have lunch with me, I DID NOT BRING MY PHONE when i went out with phoebe in the morning, and SO i missed that opportunity, too.
do you see my point?

God, is what happened.
and so i missed his calls, and he always does not reply mine.
whatever.
i'm sad, of course.
lonely, no doubt.
and really.. really.. yarhh.

OH LORD JESUS I LOVE AND NEED YOU! PLEASE BE MY EVERYTHING RIGHT NOW!
I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE OF THIS.
I NEED YOU TO FILL MY SOUL!!!

so anws. the lord also made it easier for me, for yj.
cus yea. .

yeah.

i still love my Lord; and still trust that he has prepared for me, the best brother.
the best brother who when finally meets me,
he says," i'm sorry you have waited for EVER. i'm going to make it up to you with/for the rest of my life.."

and then he adds, " let's go roller coaster! "

(:

there are times..

the gigantic super shaved ice, consumed by the miniature God-men
(which you will see in the next NEXT picture)

saints from Singapore (:

saints from the Bay (;

juicy skirts in jubilee!

There are times in my life
When my heart is embittered.
There are questions unanswered,
Yet, You're drawing me

To enter
Into Your blessed santuary
And turning my eyes heavenward,
The questions of constant inquiry
Are changed to these words,

"Whom do I have in heaven
But You, dear Jehovah.
My flesh and my heart
Constantly fail,

But God's still
The strength of my heart and my portion;
To Him forever I'll draw near.
I've made Jehovah my sweet refuge.
So now throughout the years

Turn my view to see You,
How I need to see Jesus!!
Though I don't understand
The ways that You take;

Lord, make me
A babe and suckling always praising.
Enjoying Your worth day by day.
Let each experience constitute me
So Your life I'll display
In every way.

PURPLE : WOW WOW WOW... WOW. like, WOW!
RED: WOW WOW.. WOW..


)'=

i miss you. yes, YOU.


anws. i'm so lonely beyond belief now.
really enjoyed the training. --> that, was BEYOND belief, too.
hahar.
dude. losing the soul-life at this age is REALLY not easy.
i went through SO MUCH with the Lord these days, but i havent have time to blog it here.
will do so soon (; so we'll all be encouraged! we'll all run this race togther, will we not? haha.

brb